I'm Gonna Say This Now....

When you love someone your views on the world change, your believe's change, you realise you want the things in life you never thought you did, like children, a marriage, and a husband who is also your bestfriend.
You realise that after year's of having a cold closed heart, pushing people away and hateing the world and wanting to be alone because you think noone could love someone like you, with a past to be ashamed of, marks on your body to tell a diferent story everytime, to scared to tell that one person the thing's that make you wish you were dead.
You bottle everything up and pray to god that noone will ever find out.
You say to your self day in day out that you are happy walking the world alone, when the truth is, you hate it.
When your out with friend's you see how happy they are with their boyfriend's/girlfriend's and you start to think, "why can they be happy with someone and I can't", "why can they love being in a relationship and I cant, why are they not scared and I am"
 Then you realise it's because you have been hurt in the past that you wont give anyone else a chance.


You know that there is someone you like but it's a bit like high school because you dont know if he like's you, so you tell a friend and she give's you that little push you need to tell him.
But your still scared and you decied not to do it face to face, so there you are, your heart beat is getting faster and faster, palm's are sweaty you stare blankly and his name on the chat bar and freeze.
You can't tell him how you feel, you have never told anyone so why start now?
You write out what you want to say then delete it, you do this another ten time's and in the end you think fuck it, so on the count of five you hit enter.
You see that he is writing back and your scared of his reply, what do you do if he doesn't feel the same? you wont know until you see what he has to say.


You can relax!! He like's you too.
After a while you start to think, for once in my life, I am with someone who I care about and he actually care's about me too.
Then you remind your self that he will soon change his mind about you once he find's out all about your past and hear's the rumour's and you think to your self, " Do I like him that much to tell him my life story for him to judge me and run a mile?"
The answer: YES. Because not only do you like him but deep down you know you love him, and you know he genrally love's you too.


As the week's and month's go by you start slowly letting him in, telling him the thing's that only your bestfriend know's, and then one day you sit there and think, this man know's every seedy little thing about my past and he is still here with me, he hasn't run a mile, he hasn't judged me, he has kept it a secret and most of all he still love's me.


After month's of being so happy and in love you wake up next to him and realise that you have opened your heart to the first man ever. That's the moment when you come to realise that you no longer want to walk the world alone, you want to spend the rest of your life with him, you want to get married and have his children.
You cant imagine your life with out him and it hurt's to even think of a world where he is not there by your side when you need to talk, or someone to just be there with a cuddle and a shoulder to cry on.
You want to be with him until the end, and you can only hope that he feel's the same.


This is how I found the love of my life. I pushed men away because I didn't want to get hurt, I made a promise to my self that I would be fine on my own but in the end I got fed up of being alone. 
I wanted to be loved but most of all I wanted to love someone.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you love someone but to scared to tell them, dont be.
If I can do it so can you.


Take a chance, because everyone deserve's to be happy!!